Internal Power struggle

I know Jan is over, but resolutions are still fresh on my mind. 2012 is going to bring quite a few changes to this family and to this woman. I can feel it. I'm excited. I'm hungry. I'm also terrified. I've been noticing the world lately in terms of power. Mostly what I have power over and what I don't. When I have power over something, it feels amazing. Eternal. Strong. I have power over my house. I've always been a great house keeper. I enjoy cleaning and organizing. My house is not a statement of who I am, or how happy or successful I am. I don't particularly care if other people choose to see me differently when they come into my home. My house doesn't scare me. I don't shrink from the relationship of master and servant. I honor my house and am delighted that it serves our current needs. I own my house in every sense of the word.

When something has power over me, I shrink and hide and run. I hate it. It's uncomfortable. I don't have power over many things. Like dinner. I hate making dinner. I hate finding new recipes and looking for that one ingredient and wondering if it's going to turn out. I hate spending money on food and time in the kitchen. I hate it when my kids complain about my food that I already hate making. I find no joy in preparing meals for my family. I need to go claim my power over dinner. I know it's mine and I'm wondering why I choose to keep letting dinner have power over me.

My resolution for 2012 is to quit letting things that scare me have power over me. I truly believe this is possible, although I have I no idea how. Everything has been conquered for me. Do I trust the source that did that? Do I trust that I can have power over my fears? Sadly I don't. I'm noticing these areas where my faith is greatly lacking and I'm left scared and alone and sad. I'm frightened of so many things. Death, failure, suffering, lack of enough love and abandonment to name my most vulnerable. But it doesn't have to be this way. I'm already 33 years old. Somehow I thought becoming an adult meant your fears naturally went away and full purpose and meaning just appeared. I'm learning this is not the case at all. Age has little to do with overcoming fear. Fear has to be sacrificed. Am I willing to do that? Willing to let go of those fears so I can be filled with love instead? Those fears in a way define me, they've been with me for so long. They're not just a part of my journey, they're a part of my identity. Who will I be if I let them go? How will I connect with people and life and memories and dreams? But at the same time, they don't serve me anymore. I don't find meaning in them. I'm tired of acting out of my fears and want them to quit making my decisions. I am so excited to spend this year learning how to overcome my fears. And I'm terrified that I'll fail. I'm sure fear will never fully go away, simply because I'm currently in the state of mortality; but I get have this peaceful sense that I don't have to be locked in a power struggle any more.