My Testimony

It was fast Sunday today. My life this past year has been more than anything else a spiritual journey, an awakening to the state I was in and the experience of discovering the state I can be in. I didn't bear my testimony today. Mostly because I had a really bad mom weekend, the kind where I needed a time out for a few days and I didn't feel worthy to express anything.

But I feel differently now. I feel better, more clean and forgiven of my bad attitude. And I feel like sharing it on my blog. I used to think that the whole point of the gospel was to give one strength so we could carry our burdens just a little bit further. And then we reach that point of desperation and panic, where we're alone and scared and so weighed down with our life. Then we do everything we can to rest for a bit, feeling guilty that we're not dancing along the path of life like we see everyone else do, or pretend to do. And somehow we find the strength through our prayers and faith and scripture study and temple attendance and everything else that we're "supposed" to do so we can carry our burdens just a little bit longer.

But our burdens are meant to be overcome, not carried. Our burdens are our lessons and what greater lesson can you learn than that Christ walked your path, he carried your stuff so you wouldn't have to and when you come unto Him, he provides peace and sanctuary and lightness? What greater lesson can you learn than redemption, and redemption is only possible because we're meant to be something we don't think we're capable of?

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." What does that really mean? It means when I try to do life by myself, it won't work. I'll make it somehow, I'll find the tiny bit of strength I need to walk a bit further, but it will be hard, painful, arduous, and heavy. When I do it His way, it will be easy and light. The burdens might not go away (we're still poor, my kid is still sick, etc), but in the greater sense they're gone completely because I don't feel them anymore. Just like the people in Alma.

When I went down to St. George to learn about energy work, the teacher was talking about forgiveness and she said, "Your ego doesn't want to let that go, but it's so heavy for your spirit to carry." The same is true with anger, resentment, fear, judgment, shame and pride. My natural man doesn't want to let it go because it believes this falsehood that it's protecting me from further pain or that's just what I'm supposed to do, but in fact it's weighing so so heavily on my spirit causing immense pain, and sometimes that pain passes into the physical realm.

So my problem, and the problem with the rest of the members of the church I'm guessing, is that I'm really good at getting in my own way. I somehow think there is honor is carrying something heavy all by myself. There's a sense of accomplishment when I can do it by myself. But that's the completely wrong way. I even get to that breaking point where I feel myself slipping into dark and forbidden paths and cry out to God to save me and He does and He takes off my heavy backpack of life and starts pulling bricks and I'm grateful and happy and then I do something really stupid. I put my backpack back on and essential say, "Thanks God. I got it from here. I think I can manage that much weight for a bit." He is willing to take ALL my bricks but I'm not. So this is my lesson. Complete submission. Complete trust. Complete dependence on His strength and power. Complete faith that this is the right way and I'm not cheating by feeling happy and peaceful and content and I can stop waiting for the bad to happen because I can't trust that when I feel good it's permanent. Because it's life after all, right? It's supposed to be hard and painful and wearisome.

Wrong. It's supposed to be redemption, forgiveness, wholeness, and peace. That's why the Savior came. That's why we read our scriptures and say our prayers and go to the temple. So we can be filled with the love of God and be shown how to have power over our darkness. To overcome our pain, our fear, our burdens. To be full of light and hope and peace and stand as witnesses that He is the only one who has power to save us from our sins of pride, shame, judgment and anger. "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

That's my new life's theme. And not in the sense that I pretend darkness isn't there. That's the other side of this coin, huh? We all know people who ignore the damaging parts of life and choose to see things through rose-colored glasses. They have great strength to ignore or minimize someone else's or even their own pain or problems. I've never had that so it's not my struggle or lesson. But neither way is the right way to handle life. The only right way is to gain enough faith to trust Christ when he promises me peace and enough humility to let Him take out ALL my bricks.

That's my truth. That's my testimony.